Q: What was your most embarrassing dating experience?
A: Well, it wasn’t technically a dating experience, because I never got that far…
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Q: On the outside I look completely healthy, but once I have to expose my numerous health problems to a man, he tries to utilize me for sex. When he finds out that my health causes obstacles in that area he heads for the hills. Sometimes someone will stick around for a time but the relationship eventually turns to abuse. I suffer from mulitple chemical sensitivity disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, kidney problems, and soreness and pain of the vulva and breasts.
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You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but I am a Babe-Magnet. What’s my secret? It’s simple; the wheels. Chicks dig the wheels.
Seriously, though, when my accident happened in 1986 and I became paralyzed, I thought my dating career was over. I figured, “Who’ll want me? I’m damaged goods. Only someone really desperate, or someone really weird, would want to go out with me.”
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As a child, making friends usually comes easy. Schoolmates, teammates and kids in the neighborhood are always around, ready for fun. But as you get older and find yourself immersed in daily responsibilities, finding and developing friendships can be more difficult.
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Q: When my partner is doing something for my pleasure, I sometimes feel that I want it done a little differently. Since there are some things I can’t feel, I seem to care a lot more about the details of what I can feel. I really want them done just right, but I’m afraid that my partner will be hurt and think that I don’t consider her a good lover.
A: Your question is about the most basic skill for lovers – communication!
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Q: For the first time since my disability, I’m about to be intimate with someone, but I’m very nervous about having to explain about my body. How do I tell them what they need to know without scaring them off?
A: Yes, this is a scary moment, but the most important thing you can do to begin an intimate relationship is to share with your partner what you know and feel about your body and your sexuality. It takes a little getting used to, but I promise you that it will give you both the best chance of a deep and enjoyable intimacy.
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I ve often encountered a problem while dating: when to tell my date I have a disability – the first date or the fifth? Do I wait until my clothes are off to tell him I ve got hair growing on my back? Do I wait until I’m at the church door to mention that my two-step down the aisle will not be to the Wedding March rhythm?
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Do you find yourself singing mushy love songs in the middle of the day? Are you excited whenever you hear that special person?s name or voice? Does your heart feel like it?s going to leap out of your chest at the sight of him or her? If you answered yes, you just might be falling in love. Love is wonderful, but don?t be fooled. Take it nice and slow and things will go smoothly.
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Dating is a tremendous step in one’s life. Before dating, you need some preparation. Dating is not something you should just jump into without making any prior personal changes or decisions. You should look at yourself and set your standards.
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Q: How do you feel about using the Internet to find relationships?
A: There was a time when I thought that Internet relationships were probably bad news. Then, it happened to me.
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Q: I’m with a new partner, and she’s having some very deep, painful feelings about my disability. I’m not quite sure how to respond, and feel a little confused about it, but I know I don’t want her to pity me. How do I deal with this?
A: There’s a big difference between pity and grief. Pity implies that you’re tragic, and puts you into an inferior position. Grief is an honest response to loss. Pity often sprouts from excessive myths about disability as horror. Grief is rooted in real caring. It needs to be expressed.
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Q: As someone with a disability, what do you find to be the biggest obstacle to dating?
A: When I was looking for that special someone, I would have to say the biggest obstacle would have to be other peoples’ perceptions, or misconceptions, about my disability. Let’s face it, in the beginning, dating is usually about packaging.
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At the age of twenty when I first had my injury, like most men I was very concerned about my sex life. I had been dating someone for a couple of years and it was an important part of our relationship. While in rehab, quite often I would get an erection simply if the wind blew. So I thought things hadn’t changed much.
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Every relationship you form, from friends in high school to your lifetime partner, is influenced by growing up with a brother or sister with a disability. When you are young and bring friends home from school, you often use your brother or sister with a disability as a kind of litmus test. If your friend doesn?t feel comfortable with your sibling, or worse, makes fun of him, or says something insensitive like,
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Use caution, intuition for online dating
What do you think of when online dating is mentioned?
For some, it means a new world of opportunity to connect with a special someone. For others, it may set off alarms and fright.
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10. Smile! A smile is the best way to help potential dates feel at ease around you and your disability.
9. Smell good. Perfume or cologne (applied lightly) help promote your sensuality.
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Q: Am I worth dating?
A: In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to know your self worth.
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Vena Blanchard has been a professional surrogate partner (and advocate for ethical surrogate practice) for the last 20 years. She is the current president of the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) and is also their senior trainer. She has written and spoken extensively about sex therapy, surrogate partner therapy, and the dynamics of sexuality and change.
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Preface to the World Wide Web Version (Millennium Edition): This research was conducted during 1983 for my culminating project for my master’s degree at New York University, which was granted in February 1984. It has been cited often in the years since that time and remains the definitive research on the subject of what sex surrogates actually do in their therapeutic activities with clients in sex therapy.
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