Parents whose children have bladder and bowel control problems will not be surprised to learn that societal attitudes about incontinence leave much to be desired. One need only look to adults who have grown up with nocturnal enuresis
(bedwetting in individuals old enough to be toilet trained) to understand the emotional toll of our cultural attitudes about incontinence. These adults often report that their parents erroneously viewed their childhood bedwetting as purposeful behavior. Many received punishments like being made to sleep in cold bathtubs or hang out their sheets to dry in full view of the neighbors.
Traditional school schedules also reflect our culture’s denial of needs of the human body. An examination of these schedules is likely to uncover rigid toileting schedules in lower grades and only short breaks allotted between classes in upper grades.
Language can also have a tremendous impact on attitudes. Most of us have overheard a friend or family member saying “good boy!” or “bad girl!” to a child who is being toilet trained. Suppose that instead, we said things like, “Isn’t nice that you are acquiring these skills?” What a different culture we might have! As this new generation grew up, members of society could view incontinence without contempt. Incontinence would be perceived like visual loss requiring eyeglasses or any similar difference in bodily function.
No child is born with the awareness that he or she has a disability. Nor is any child born with low self-esteem. The messages society sends us can teach us to devalue ourselves, but positive messages can enhance self-esteem. Those closest to a child with a disability need to become experts in building self-esteem and giving unconditional love. Compassion and common sense can help children overcome negative feelings associated with disabilities like incontinence.
Every year, the Simon Foundation for Continence hears from thousands of adults who are facing the challenges of living with intractable incontinence. But, some of the best advice has come from children. While preparing my book, Managing Incontinence:A Guide to Living With Loss of Bladder Control, I interviewed Dayanne, a young teenager with spina bifida. Having lived with incontinence all her life, I asked her what advice she would give to adults who recently become incontinent. Dayanne said, “You have to be careful about what you think of yourself. Think of yourself as normal, just like other people. You are the same person you were before you had this problem. I don’t think of myself as underprivileged or anything. I just think of myself as another human being. That’s how I’d tell grownups that get incontinence to think. It works for me.”
The key word in Daynne’s advice is “think.” Thinking, rather than just reacting to feelings, gives each of us a chance to acquire a new perspective. Instilling Daynne’s attitude in our children with disabilities would be one of the greatest gifts we could give them.
By Cheryle B. Gartley
Cheryle B. Gartley is president of the Simon Foundation for Continence.