Anyone navigating the treacherous waters of flirting, dating and just plain chatting wants to know how to get on well, how to know if someone is interested (and interesting) and how to look and feel good at a party. But with the added complication of a vision disability, how do you sort out the coquettish winks from the eyes rolled heavenward? Writer Deborah DeBord, who is herself blind, interviewed friends, colleagues and psychologists, both sighted and blind, to gather insights on this topic.
Tips For Appearing Attractive And Interactive
by Deborah DeBord
Kate was anxious for her visiting sister Lizzie to meet some friends, so she threw a big barbecue.
With folks moving from room to room, in and out of doors to sample the splendid tables, there was a hum of chat, laughter and the general music of people having fun. Barely inside the entrance of the unfamiliar home, Lizzie was caught just below the knees by a full-tilt boogie child, not yet two.
“Whoa there, sugar.” She caught the toddler, stooped to tousle his hair and handed him a sweetie from the pocket of her shorts. “Where did you get those fabulous curls? Ill bet you borrowed them from your dad, no?” And off the child sped, matching Lizzies motorboat sounds.
Wondering where Kate might be, Lizzie picked a door and squeezed past a man balancing two plates of food. “That smells divine,” Lizzie swooned. “Ill have to find me some of that.”
And so begins another afternoon of new acquaintances. In a new place. An opportunity to be interested and interesting. Without meaning to (indeed, without knowing), Lizzie had effortlessly won the hearts of everyone. And she did it all in the dark.
Throughout the afternoon, Jimmy bided time till he could catch Lizzie alone in a corner. Having lived in the dark for only two years himself, he was full of questions for Lizzie.
How does a woman or man who is blind navigate the potentially awkward waters of a social situation? How does one put others at ease, while staying at ease oneself? If a large percentage of communication is unconsciously conveyed through body language, how can someone who is blind send and receive messages? How does one determine whether he is winking in flirtation or rolling his eyes in exasperation?
Lets listen in as they explore some thought-provoking ideas.
What do people find attractive in someone they do not know? What keeps them interested?
Smiling, open posture and sincere laughter invite contact. If you wait until someone approaches you to appear welcoming, you might be waiting a long while.
Graciously including others in conversation is an invitation to full participation. If someone new joins your chat, recap what has led up to where the conversation is at present. This shows that you are listening to contributions, as well as including the newcomer in a lively, engaging way.
A good listener with genuine curiosity is always fondly remembered. Conversely, it is obvious when a conversation partner is only marking time and formulating the next great story, the next pontification.
Tread the fine line between modesty and self-deprecation. You can honour your achievements without busting your buttons with a boast. Express your accomplishments in terms of how lucky you feel to have had the opportunities.
How can I become more comfortable in social situations with unknown variables?
The treacheries wait for everyone. A woman who can laugh at her mistakes and a man who can point out his own foibles endear themselves to the listener and lessen the social distance.
Squish the niggling desire to swim the safe harbour. Docking yourself at a couch or hugging the wall is a daunting barrier to potential new friends. Move around with cautious conviction.
Knowing that eye contact is an important part of communication, find your own way to achieve the same effect. Touching his forearm while you talk also ensures that you will know when he walks away. Squeezing her elbow shows that you heard and appreciated her joke.
Being aware of visual aspects of social communication moves you toward a more comfortable, more complete participation. Chatting with a friend the day after a social event allows the friend to relive the best parts and gives you a more complete picture. Next time, you will have added to your repertoire.
How can I make my disability less of an issue in a social situation?
Anticipating the typical sticky wickets can make them seem less awkward for everyone. For example, carrying a packeted hand wipe and a tissue in your pocket to a picnic relieves you of the task of dashing into the house or park shelter for a quick wash-up.
Be articulate about what you need. Lets look at a restaurant meal.
When someone is showing you to a chair, ask him to place your hand on the top of the chair back. Slide your hand down the back to determine which direction it is facing. Locate the table. (No big-footed dance followed by the dragging of the table cloth.)
Ask your companion to describe the table with details such as setting, decor and other diners. Ask the server to let you know when refilling your glass and when serving your plate. (No sliding ice in your face and no planting of hands in mashed potatoes.)
If you are drinking from a footed wine glass, hold it by the base to set it down. (No flipping spoons at your companion or knocking edges of plates.) If drinking from a simple water glass, tuck your little finger under the bottom so that you know when it reaches the table. (No stares from other diners who think you have angrily slammed down a glass.)
And at the end of a delicious meal? Discretely ask the waiter to remove any tasty morsels you might have left behind on the table. Then cheerfully ask your companion how much of your meal might you happen to be wearing.
What are some things I might be unintentionally doing that are distracting or even unattractive?
Some behaviours (committed by people who are blind and sighted alike) send potential friends in the opposite direction. Lets look at some turn-offs, some with visual components, some not.
Persistently checking a watch sends the message that you are impatient with your companion. A sighted person might glance at a wall clock without being noticed, but a person who is blind and checking a Braille watch (or worse, listening to half-hourly chimes) calls attention to himself.
Poor posture is often perceived as boredom or lack of bright attention, making you appear neither interested nor interesting.
Favourite, comfy clothing sometimes seems slovenly rather than casual. An articulate, caring store clerk can help select outfits for style and comfort that match the decade you are living in. Your perfume or cologne should not broadcast your arrival.
Inappropriate humour, tone of voice or profanity sends people away.
Inserting oneself uninvited into conversation is perceived as boorish and insensitive. Listen for clues that you need not join in, such as two people chatting in lowered voices or intensely focused on each other.
Confrontational or argumentative language puts people off. Express an opinion without being abrasive.
Curb the “comfort” behaviours in public, such as rocking back and forth, rubbing eyes, twiddling hair.
Dont be obvious about your distractions. Again, a sighted person might glance over at a suddenly crying baby and not be noticed. The person with a vision disability who cocks her head and turns to the side appears to be moving away from the conversation.
Be aware of the fine line between articulate assertive speech and aggression. You can express your needs and your advocacy without belligerence.
How in the heck can I juggle all the advice and still enjoy myself?
After all is said and done, be yourself! When you let your own sweet self shine through, everyone wants to be close to you. Express your joys and passions in life and everyone will want to join in.
(Deborah DeBord, Ph.D., is a freelance writer and cookbook author living in Colorado, U.S.A.)