Q: On the outside I look completely healthy, but once I have to expose my numerous health problems to a man, he tries to utilize me for sex. When he finds out that my health causes obstacles in that area he heads for the hills. Sometimes someone will stick around for a time but the relationship eventually turns to abuse. I suffer from mulitple chemical sensitivity disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, kidney problems, and soreness and pain of the vulva and breasts.
That doesn’t leave much “woman” left to enjoy. I am 28 years old, live in Florida, am very kind, intelligent and a great conversationalist. I would love to find someone who could love me in spite of my disabilities. We would really have to work at ways of being romantic in lieu of all of my challenges. I have tried “well guys” many times. Again, they want to utilize whatever sexuality I can offer or use me as a sounding board for their work-related stress or other problems. It is all getting very overwhelming. I have tried to meet someone suffering from the same afflictions but many of these men suffer from extreme depression. They cannot handle my stuff on top of theirs. It is too overwhelming. I certainly would love some hope.
Jen
A: Hello Jen; thank you for writing. I can see how your situation is a difficult one. First, let me say that I’m very happy to see that you are aware of all of your good qualities. Always hold on to them. Too many people focus on their problems and forget what wonderful, incredible people they are. When you exude these qualities, other people will see them too.
I’ve found in my own situation that it was always best to start out with friendship. Try to surround yourself with enough friends who know who you are inside, and don’t be afraid to educate them about your condition. Joking and making light of the situation helps too. As they learn about your physical ailments as friends, there won’t be as much “pressure” on them to accept it, and you’ll know their feelings for you are genuine. Once you develop an equal, healthy relationship, and you see that they care for you unconditionally, you may be able to pursue a more intimate relationship.
As far as where to meet people, I wouldn’t recommend bars for anyone, with or without a disability. I’m not fully aware of all the aspects your circumstance, but I’m sure you can find other forums in which to meet people that won’t aggravate your condition. How about community events? Church groups? Or maybe you can take a class for something that interests you. This way you meet other people with similar interests, and even if you don’t meet the right person, you still get something out of it. If you set your mind to it, you’ll be able to come up with even more ideas.
Yes, once you meet someone, you will have to be very creative. I know from my own experience, that it’s not so easy to be spontaneous and romantic. However, I’m always thinking of new ways to make things different and exciting. With my partner’s help, we manage to pull it off. The same goes for intimacy. Don’t think that there’s not “much ‘woman’ left to enjoy.” There’s more to you than just certain body parts. Remember, you’re all woman? arms, legs, neck, hair, lips? get the picture? Don’t forget the importance of personality and sense of humor either. Always remember that your brain is the most important sexual organ.
Also remember Jen, there’s always hope. I usually don’t like using clichιs like “there’s someone for everyone.” I rather think in bigger terms; there are many people out there who would be right for you. It’s just a matter of eventually meeting them. Don’t worry, it will happen; and when it does, you’ll know it’s right!
George Butera has been paralyzed from the shoulders down since he was 18 years old. Send your thoughts or questions on dating and romance to him at mailto:guyspoint@icanonline.net
Icanonline.net
December 5, 2000