Q: When my partner is doing something for my pleasure, I sometimes feel that I want it done a little differently. Since there are some things I can’t feel, I seem to care a lot more about the details of what I can feel. I really want them done just right, but I’m afraid that my partner will be hurt and think that I don’t consider her a good lover.
A: Your question is about the most basic skill for lovers – communication!

Presumably, you’ve already had “The Talk,” as I call it, describing the effect of your disability on your body. You have talked about sensation, about sexual function, about how you feel about your disability, about the things you like to do or have done to you.

But this is another level of communication, isn’t it? It’s about the finer details that you wouldn’t go into during The Talk. It’s different from explaining about lack of sensation or erectile function or lubrication or weak bladders. And it’s fraught with greater emotional hazards, as your question makes clear.

Since we’re not inside each other’s brains and can’t truly feel what the other is feeling, detailed feedback is important. With a disability, our sexual responses may differ from what our partners are accustomed to. Some parts of the body might be much more sensitive than others, or maybe not very sensitive at all. Some people with paralysis report that parts of their body they can feel become extra sensitive, as if compensating for the lost sensation. Gentler, subtler and softer touch can actually be much more powerful. Your partner really needs to hear how these kinds of things feel to you.

Presumably, your partner wants to do what pleases you the most, just as you do for her. So the answer is to make an agreement. Make an agreement that you really want to learn the finest details of what satisfies the other. Make an agreement that you both really want the other to feel free to give that level of feedback. Make an agreement that you won’t take it personally when you tell each other that you’d like something to happen a little differently.

The feedback can be verbal, as in, “Could you move your tongue a little slower and make it wider and wetter?” But words are not the only way to communicate. We can judge – and learn – a lot from our partner’s sighs and moans. We can sense the body relaxing or tensing beneath our touch. Of course, that also means being willing to give these signs to your partner so she can know when she gets something right. Don’t be embarrassed to say (luxuriantly and sensually, of course), “Oh yeah, that’s great!” Corny as it may seem, you’re giving each other important information.

Here’s an exercise I recommend. Take turns offering each other complete control during some portion of your love making. You say, “OK, honey! It’s your turn to have full control. Feel free to comment on anything, to ask for anything.” It doesn’t have to mean that you guide each other step by step. It means that you put out refinements to the things that you already do for each other. Or ask for something you’ve never done that you might have been afraid to ask for.

There are some ground rules, of course. You have to agree on giving each other equal time. You need to affirm your desire to please each other. You need to have it understood that you each always have the option of refusing to do something that’s not comfortable without being shamed or made to feel guilty. And don’t get too carried away with constant editing and suggestion. The point is to feel whatever is going on and not to get too wrapped up in what you think.

And it goes without saying – but I’ll say it anyway – no criticism! You’re not allowed to say, “No! Not like THAT!” in frustration. Positive reinforcement only.

Your concern for your partner’s feelings shows that you care about her, but I’m betting that she really wants you to speak up and let her know how you really like it. And then you invite her to do the same. Then you can both completely relax and get really good, really fast at being each other’s lovers, which in the best of cases is always a learning process.

Gary Karp is the author of “Life On Wheels: For the Active Wheelchair User” http://www.lifeonwheels.net/, which includes a chapter on Sex, Intimacy, and Babies. Gary has a spinal cord injury from a fall in 1973. Contact him at sexuality@icanonline.net

icanonline.net
April 11, 2001