You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but I am a Babe-Magnet. What’s my secret? It’s simple; the wheels. Chicks dig the wheels.
Seriously, though, when my accident happened in 1986 and I became paralyzed, I thought my dating career was over. I figured, “Who’ll want me? I’m damaged goods. Only someone really desperate, or someone really weird, would want to go out with me.”

Worried about sex
Another big concern was sex. I was 18 at the time, and I was a walking hormone. I couldn’t believe I was being cut off just as I was getting started. It’s like my whole world had come to an end.

Then one day a nurse walked into my room and noticed I was visibly depressed. He asked me what was wrong, and though I was embarrassed, I told him my fear: I would never date or have sex again. He just smirked and said, “What are you talking about? That still works.” I was stunned. You have to remember, for an 18-year-old male, that’s like getting a reprieve from a death sentence. He also told me how the other nurses were telling him how cute and funny I was. Well, I never considered myself cute, even before the accident, so I think he was just trying to lift my spirits. However, what he did give me was a new sense of confidence. I was still who I always was.

Focus on the positive
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t suddenly gain all this confidence. It took a while, but I realized that if I was going to date again, I was going to have to stop thinking of myself as damaged goods, and start focusing on the positive benefits that I could bring to a relationship. I also quickly learned that it takes a very special person to look past the disability, to see beyond all the chrome and rubber of the wheelchair, and to see me as a person — see me for who I really am. Basically, I had to be myself. If I defined myself by my disability, so would everyone else.

I also realized that, even though I am capable of a physical relationship, even if I wasn’t, that’s not what it’s all about. It’s deeper than that. It’s about love and respect, and sharing your life with someone. No amount of paralysis can suppress that if you have it within you.

Humor as a leveler
I’m also a big advocate of humor. Humor puts everyone at ease. When women see that my disability is no big deal to me, it’s no longer a really big deal to them. Before long, most start thinking of me just as though they would anyone else. The disability is no longer out in front. It no longer defines who I am.

So, to answer the question at the beginning of the article, “What’s my secret?” — it really is simple. Know yourself, don’t take yourself too seriously and have the confidence and courage to get out there in the dating world, show them what you are really made of. It’s a secret that would work for anyone, disability or not.

George Butera has been paralyzed from the shoulders down since he was 18 years old. Send your thoughts or questions on dating and romance to him at mailto:gbutera@icanonline.net

Icaonline.net
May 7, 2000