Q: For the first time since my disability, I’m about to be intimate with someone, but I’m very nervous about having to explain about my body. How do I tell them what they need to know without scaring them off?
A: Yes, this is a scary moment, but the most important thing you can do to begin an intimate relationship is to share with your partner what you know and feel about your body and your sexuality. It takes a little getting used to, but I promise you that it will give you both the best chance of a deep and enjoyable intimacy.
What is it that you imagine will “scare them off?” That they’ll be repelled by some aspect of your body, such as thin legs or scars? That they’ll be put off by your weak bladder? That they’ll find they’re disappointed if you two can’t have sex like porn stars?
For someone renewing their sex life after disability, or approaching first sexual experiences with a disability from childhood, there are plenty of opportunities to fear you don’t measure up in some way. The good news is that plenty of people have proven over and over that these issues are easily overamplified. In authentic relationships, they really don’t matter.
Self-confidence is the most attractive thing there is. “The talk” is your chance to demonstrate that. If you’re not feeling really confident, then honesty is the next most attractive thing. Maybe it means saying, “I’m nervous because this is new for me, but I’d really love to experiment with you and find out how my body works making love.” Give them the chance to accept you for what you are.
If your relationship is at the point where sexual intimacy has become an option, then there’s obviously some chemistry going on. That means your partner is interested in more than whether you fit some social stereotype of sexuality. It means you enjoy being together, have come to care for each other enough to want to please each other. These qualities quickly outweigh self-consciousness (which everyone struggles with anyway), and makes the risk of a little dampness from your bladder or your skinny legs pretty meaningless.
What matters most is that you be open about your sensual needs and desires, and let your partner know that you want to please them. Let them know that you want to openly express and explore your sexuality with someone you trust. If your partner is sincere in their interest in the whole and real you, they’ll appreciate your honesty. Better yet, they’ll be freed of feeling that they need to tread lightly on the topic of your sexuality.
As in any successful relationship, the ability to communicate openly is critical, and having “the talk” about your sexuality is an early rite of passage that helps establish a crucial early bond of trust.
There is, in fact, no greater mistake you could make than to not explain in advance how your sexuality works. There is no more effective way to throw ice on passion than to allow unanswered questions to linger, or for expectations to exist that will not be met.
And it’s really no different than what any two partners should do. “So, what do you like? Is there anything you’d like to try that you’ve been curious about? Can I show you exactly where I’d love you to put your tongue? Where can I put mine?” And so on.
In the end, you won’t scare anybody off if you’re honest. And if they do run off — painful as that would be — they wouldn’t have been a good partner for you anyway. A person you share an authentic mutual attraction with will want to find the best ways for you to please each other.
Gary Karp is the author of “Life On Wheels: For the Active Wheelchair User” http://www.lifeonwheels.net/, which includes a chapter on Sex, Intimacy, and Babies. Gary has a spinal cord injury from a fall in 1973. Contact him at sexuality@icanonline.net
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