Q: I’m with a new partner, and she’s having some very deep, painful feelings about my disability. I’m not quite sure how to respond, and feel a little confused about it, but I know I don’t want her to pity me. How do I deal with this?
A: There’s a big difference between pity and grief. Pity implies that you’re tragic, and puts you into an inferior position. Grief is an honest response to loss. Pity often sprouts from excessive myths about disability as horror. Grief is rooted in real caring. It needs to be expressed.

It’s completely natural that someone coming into a new relationship with a partner with a disability is going to have some feelings about the disability. It might be from witnessing the accessibility struggles you face, or seeing how the world treats you based on disability myth. Perhaps she’s reacting to the experience you went through if you have an acquired disability – no matter how long ago it happened.

In fact, it’s a good sign. It’s a loving response. Take care not to assume that it means she pities you. It really is possible to allow her – and maybe your – grief around your disability to have its place in your relationship. It needn’t be uncomfortable or interfere with your budding connection with each other.

You’ve had time to come to terms with your own disability, your partner hasn’t. She needs time to go through initial adjustments, just as you may have had to if your disability is acquired. You will already have achieved some degree of balance about what your disability means in your life. You know how you adapt, you know that your disability is not as limiting as most people assume, you know how much there is in life to enjoy and embrace. In the course of getting to know each other, your partner will come to see these things too. She’ll get past her initial grief.

And if she brings some misconceptions about disability with her – as she probably will – then this is a chance to help her gain a clear perspective. It’s a chance for you to describe how you experience your disability, a chance for you to demonstrate your capacity to accept your disability. And a chance to show that you can accept who your partner is and what she feels – which is exactly what you should hope to expect from her.

And of course you’re going to get to know her story, too. Whether or not they have a disability, everyone has pain and loss in their lives. In an integral relationship, both partners find parts of each other’s experience to celebrate and to grieve. Disability is just our particular form of it.

This also begs the question of how well you’ve adjusted to your disability. In a truly intimate relationship, there’s no hiding! When you get that close to someone – especially if you’re being sexual – then “stuff” is going to come up. Any unresolved grief about your disability is going to make itself known. Denial is a mechanism that protects you, but the idea is to let denial gradually unveil what’s painful, so you can integrate it at a pace you can handle. A strong relationship should be a safe, trusting place where you can do this.

If you’re indulging in self-pity, a new partner is likely to join you in that. It’s not a very strong basis for a lasting relationship. If you’ve become attached to a woeful view of your disability, this is a good time to take a good look at it and find your way to a more realistic, positive self-image. Discovering our strengths is one of the greatest gifts of a good relationship.

I think that shallow relationships get exposed very quickly with a partner with a disability. It has to be about being truly interested in the person, not superficial attraction. It has to be more real. The fact that she chose you with your disability should be proof that she sees you for who you are – that she understands that your disability does not preclude having a meaningful bond together.

So when your partner is having feelings of grief, just hold her and say, “Yes, I know that you care and that you’re hurting for me.” That way you’re showing her your strength and patience and acceptance. Remember that the reason she’s with you is to know you and enjoy and share experience with you. No one will pity you when they can see the wholeness of who you are.

Gary Karp is the author of “Life On Wheels: For the Active Wheelchair User” http://www.lifeonwheels.net/, which includes a chapter on Sex, Intimacy, and Babies. Gary has a spinal cord injury from a fall in 1973. Contact him at sexuality@icanonline.net

icanonline.net
March 26, 2001