Q: Am I worth dating?
A: In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to know your self worth.

Many people with disabilities (and many without, for that matter) think things like, ?Who would want to date me?? Even if they are already dating someone, they think, ?Why does this person want me?? or, ?They can do better than me.? They see themselves as unworthy of dating or of being in a lasting relationship. I must admit that I often had these thoughts when I was dating. The problem with thinking like this is, you throw up a self-imposed barrier. It?s hard enough to find someone special enough to deal with the issues that go along with a disability without pushing him or her away with this kind of attitude. Think about it this way: If you were trying to sell a car, would you tell perspective buyers, ?You don’t want to buy this car. It?s really not worth it.? Trust me, you?ll never sell it.

Often it?s a defense against getting hurt. You might tell the person you?re dating things like, ?I don?t want to hold you back.? or, ?You should find someone who?s ?normal.?? This way, if the relationship does end, you have your disability to blame. What you?re really doing is setting the relationship up to fail from the start. Because, although the person you?re dating may have every intention of sticking it out and making it work, it?s very hard to be with someone who constantly feels sorry for him or herself.

One very important thing you need to remember is that people can make their own decisions. You don?t need to decide for them if you are or are not good enough. If someone is going to be with you, it?s because they see something inside of you that?s worth it. They will decide themselves whether they can deal with your situation. The only thing you can do is make sure that they know exactly what they are in for from the start. If they decide that they want to stick it out, then help them, don?t hinder. Be open and honest about yourself. Offer information about your disability. And when things get serious, suggest they seek out others who are in a similar situation to whom they can talk. Don?t be afraid of scaring them off. They need to find out eventually, and it?s better sooner than later. Most importantly, work on the things that you can offer: honesty, respect, communication, romance, intimacy, etc. Also, always keep a positive spin on things.

Remember, you are worth dating. Just because you have a disability, it doesn?t mean you have to let it define you. Realize your self worth, and others will see it too.

George Butera has been paralyzed from the shoulders down since he was 18 years old. Send your thoughts or questions on dating and romance to him at mailto:guyspoint@icanonline.net

icanonline.net
April 3, 2001